White Water Rafting in Crested Butte

Let me start out by saying that I FIRMLY believe that NO recreational activity should necessitate a "release of liability".   In my humble opinion, release of liability forms should be reserved for open heart surgery, emergency appendectomies,  and liver transplants.

Cheech gets a  call from Nick at about 9:00 am asking us if we would like to join the "group" for a river rafting trip about 20 miles from our campsite.  I vigorously shake my head in the "no" motion, Cheech responds to Nick: "Ya, that sounds great!  Just tell us here and when."

As a coping mechanism, I immediately think - "lazy river" experience.  I picture a leisurely float down a meandering river, splashing myself with cool water as I sip a mint julep.  I jump on the river rafting website and see TONS of pictures (with 3 years olds on the rafts).  This verifies my fantasy.  O.K., cool, I'm glad we are doing this.

We get to the rafting company storefront and...

• First, I see about 45 pictures of people falling out of overturned rafts.  (Wait a minute I think.  How does this happen on the lazy river?)  
• Second, they hand me a release of liability form.  (Whoa, just a minute here.  Why would I need this for a lazy river trip?) 

Me:  "Excuse me miss.  Why would I need to sign this liability form for a trip that three year olds can take?  I've seen the pictures on the website."

Counter Gal:  "Mam, the pictures you saw on the website were from our family adventure."

Me:  "Yea, well that's what we're doing."

Counter Gal:  "No 'mam, your group is signed up for the two hour "ride the rapids" tour.  It an "exciting" 2 hour trip through class 3 rapids."

(Please note here, I did not sign up for excitement, I signed up for relaxation.)

Me:  "Wait a minute, wait just one minute here.  Are those pictures of people falling out of overturned boats perhaps from your 2 hour "ride the rapids" tour?"

Counter Gal:  "Well yes, but that doesn't ALWAYS happen."

Me:  "Seriously???  That was NOT reassuring."

(Picture me fighting the rising tide of panic with increased apprehension here.  I'm at the crossroads.  I can do it, hide my panic apprehension or I can back out right now while the going is good.  This is a tough decision for me, after all I have been a member in good standing of the "Chronic Pansies Club" for about 20 years now.

I decide to go for it by channeling my friend Shelly.  She will do ANYTHING, and then say "Geez, that was a blast!"  I spend the next 2 hours channeling Shelly in preparation for my "ride the rapids" afternoon.

We get to the launch area, they give us helmets.  What the f*** helmets!  The guide explains that they are necessary should we fall out of the boat.  "The area has a lot of big boulders that could kill you if you hit them head on."  (Picture me at this point with a tic in my left eye and mumbling to myself- "Pretend you're Shelly, pretend you're Shelly, pretend you're Shelly).  The guide looks at me and says "Are you o.k. 'mam?

We get fitted for life vests, booties (because our feet will be wet and cold for 2 hours) and the helmets.  Now it's time for the terrify your customers safety talk:

• Here's what you do if you fall out and can't grab the boat. (You mean it's possible to not be able to get back in the boat???)
• If you fall out and can grab the boat, please know we will need to dunk you deep into the water to allow the floatation devise to help us lift you back in.  (Let me be sure I understand this.  I'll already be choking on 40 degree water and then you'll be dunking me back in the river...hum I don't like the sound of that at all!).  
• Here's what you do if you get trapped under an over turned boat.  (I just figured that at this point my life would be flashing before my eyes.)  
• Here's what you do if you get thrown against a large log.  Be sure not to get trapped under it.  This could drown you.  (Well gee, could they have been a little more specific about HOW not to get trapped under a log?)

We get in our boats and on the river.  The story ends like this-  We had a great guide (who looked and sounded like Matthew Mcconaughey), the "ride the rapids" was exciting but not too scary, I had a great time, and I am forever grateful that I was able to channel my friend Shelly cuz "It was a blast!"